


All My Hope Is Pinned On Us

by Loloshroom



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Arson, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, F/F, F/M, Gen, Ghost!Connor, I haven't written in forever, M/M, Self Harm, That One Step Brothers AU Everyone Writes, The Major Character Death is for Connor Don't Worry, Themes of suicide, This Happens During Both Cannons and Probably Post Cannon Too - Freeform, so yeah - freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-19 02:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11887569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loloshroom/pseuds/Loloshroom
Summary: Jeremy's Dad tries to fill the hole in his life with someone new. Heidi does the same. They compliment each other perfectly.Their sons? Not so much.





	1. I Guess a Part Of Me Wants To

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in like a few months but Be More Chill and Dear Evan Hansen kinda revived me? Yeah Oof my bones.  
> Also this is for a friend technically I guess. Hit me up on tumblr at loloshroom!

To say that Jeremy was excited for junior year would be a massive overstatement. The only thing that made sophomore year barely survivable was the fact that his dad started looking for a partner. A “Partner in crime” as he would so eloquently explain as he left for the evening only to come back close to midnight and pass out on the couch. After the dates, Mr. Heere did not want to talk about the people he would go out with. That is until towards the beginning of summer.

“Her name is Heidi, and she has a son too! He’s about your age.” Mr. Heere explained, his face lighting up. Jeremy was happy for him, he had not seen his dad so excited over this sort of thing since he first started his search almost a year ago. He rambled on and on, Jeremy slowly tuning him out and focusing on his phone. Michael was asking to hang out, which probably included video games, snacks, and naps. Which Jeremy was always down for.

Summer had continued with a routine set in place. Mr. Heere would go out during some nights with this Heidi person, and Jeremy would hang out at Michael’s place until his dad returned home. Its was fun yes, and it was reassuring to always have a routine. But now that it was a week before school, Jeremy wanted nothing more than to sleep for a bajillion hours and never wake up. He was in the middle of laying down on his bed, about to load up one of his many scandalous websites when a certain pantsless father opened the door, causing Jeremy to slam his laptop shut as fast as possible.

“Dad?! Did you ever learn to knock?” He asked, running his hand through his hair before putting the laptop on the nightstand, and glancing at the time. 5:30 in the afternoon. Mr. Heere should be leaving soon, yet he seems to not be in a rush, “What’s up?” Jeremy asked cautiously.

“Heidi is going to be coming over for dinner, and bringing her son along as well.” Mr. Heere said, surprisingly calm, “Try to be nice to him, alright? He’s very anxious. They’ll be here in a half an hour, I already started cooking. Be ready soon.” Jeremy nodded slowly and watched as his dad disappeared down the hall. Jeremy huffed, standing up and putting on some moderately decent clothes. A plain red t-shirt, pale blue jeans, and his cardigan would be sufficient enough, he hoped. 

When a knock came to the door twenty minutes later, Jeremy ran down the stairs and opened the door. A tall blonde woman smiled sweetly down at Jeremy, taking a step into the house, “You must be Jeremy. It’s so nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you. And this is my son Evan.” She gestured behind her where a boy just shorter than Jeremy stood. He had the same bright blond hair as his mother, a blue polo shirt and a white cast on his arm. He seemed to be cowering behind his mother. He gave Jeremy a small smile and wave, which Jeremy returned.

Mr. Heere walked up to Heidi, giving her a hug, and then leading them to the dining room. There was probably the best chicken Jeremy had ever seen his dad cook, that is to say, he cooked a chicken. Usually they eat takeout or leftovers, not something this nice. Jeremy glanced at Evan, who had been silent the whole night, and quickly looked away. He could feel the awkward tension in the air coming off the two boys, and it only made Jeremy more anxious. As they sat down for dinner, Heidi began pelting him with questions about his life. Yes, he had a best friend. Yes, he could introduce him to Evan later. No, he did not get bullied (That one was a blatant lie, but he does not think Heidi cares). No, he had never done drugs (Another lie). Soon the questions stopped and Jeremy took a sigh of relief and looked over to Evan, “So what do you like to do, Evan?” Jeremy heard his dad say.

“I like to look at trees.” Evan said, “I also like t-to climb them! I like h-how small the world can feel from up so h-high! Also...” His stammering seemed to get worse the more he rambled Jeremy smiled lightly at the boy as he went on and on. The tension in the air seemed to go away after Evan opened up.

As the hours passed, and one board game later, the Hansens had to head return to their house. Jeremy and Evan exchanged phone numbers, and now Jeremy wanted nothing more than to sleep. He flopped on his bed and was about to pass out without even changing when his phone buzzed, groaning, he checked his notifications. Michael seemed to have texted him multiple times, asking to hang out and if Jeremy was okay. Biting his lip, Jeremy quickly responded,

**_Player1: 6:15_ **

_ Hey dude! You wanna hang out? We still have to beat apocalypse of the damned!! _

**_6:30_ **

_ Jere? _

**_8:50_ **

_ (Michael had sent him a picture of a cat laying on his back. Michael and Jeremy tend to exchange photos like that if they were super cute) _

**_You: 9:30_ **

_ Srry Michael, Dad brought over his gf _

_ She was cool I guess _

Jeremy checked on the other message he received. It was from Evan.

**_Tree Kid: 9:29_ **

_ Hello! This is Evan. _

**_You: 9:31_ **

_ Hey Evan! It was nice to meet u _

Closing his phone, Jeremy could barely keep his eyes open any longer, and passed out on his bed. This was one of the first times this summer where Jeremy fell asleep before midnight.

* * *

 

_ Evan always hated heights. No, hate was too strong of a word. Disliked, that seems to suit the feeling better. It was ironic, he disliked heights, but enjoyed climbing trees. Like the world did not play enough cruel jokes on him already. However, in this moment, Evan thought heights might make his fears go away.  _

_ His summer was going less than perfect. His job as a park ranger had him alone in the middle of the woods. Which was great, since he was alone already, and now he had trees everywhere. Trees always seemed to calm him down, and he certainly felt calm now. Evan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he gripped the lowest branch to the ground. Maybe if I go high enough, my problems will become small, was the mantra playing over and over in his head as he climbed. He could feel the harsh bark dig into the palms of his hands. Everything felt too fast, Evan was already so high.  _

_ He turned his head and he saw the tops of trees below him. The sight was breath taking. The brilliant blue sky, the clouds slowly traveling through it, the breeze in his hair and on his face. He sat on the branch, his back on the trunk of the tree. He could watch everything from this point of view for forever. But he knew it would not last. _

_ A pang of guilt hit his heart. His mother would be devastated. He could feel himself tear up, thinking of her face seeing him in a coffin, Jared next to her, trying to calm her down as he stared emptily into it. He would not care, Evan had decided. Jared would not care if he disappeared or died. His mother would be the only one to miss him. Evan shuddered as he slowly stood up on the branch and started walking to the weaker part of the branch. Closing his eyes he let himself fall off. _

_ He could feel the wind rush past him as he plummeted towards the ground. As Evan fell, his heart dropped. He remembered the fun things in his life. He loved Zoe Murphy, he had at least one “family” friend, and a mother that loved him. Once he hit the ground everything felt numb. His ever were squeezed closed before he slowly opened his eyes.  _

_ There was no one there. _

_ No one cared. No one bothered to worry about him. Evan felt his arm go numb as he cried alone. _

Shaking his head, Evan stared at the empty document on his computer. He was supposed to write one of those letters to himself, but his mind was occupied by the events of almost a week ago, and not an hour ago. Evan stared at the blank cast and frowned  _ i forgot to ask Jeremy to sign my cast… _ Sighing, Evan closed his computer and went to sleep. Those letters to himself were dumb anyways.

* * *

 

By the time school started Evan and Jeremy were close. At least, Evan thought they were close. Jared was the closest thing to a friend he had, and Jeremy seemed to resemble his relationship with him to a degree. Though, Evan supposed he was closer with-

“Evan!” Jared. The short boy ran over to Evan with a big smile on his face, “How does it feel to be the first guy in history to break his arm jerking off?” Jared laughed at his own joke, causing some people to look at the two of them. Evan however, could feel his face burning up,

“Jared! That’s n-not what h-happened.” He muttered, “I j-just fell out of a t-t-tree.” Jared looked to Evan, and then laughed even louder. Evan just shrunk back, before going back over to Jared, “Could you sign my cast..? We’re friends so..”

“Look Evan,” Jared frowned, “We aren’t ’friends’,” Jared made quotes with his hands, and spat the word out like it was a disease, “We’re  _ family  _ friends. There’s a difference. If we were actually friends I wouldn’t need to need a good word from you so my car insurance gets paid.” Jared sighed shaking his head, “Honestly Evan, you’re hopeless.” Jared looked over to see none other than Connor Murphy walk by, “Hey Connor!” Jared started to shout, Evan wanted to dissipate on the spot, “Lovin’ the new hair style! Very school shooter chic!” 

Connor just stared at Jared, his eyes wildly looking him over. Evan could see Jared get uncomfortable, “I-it was just a joke, dude relax.” Jared coughed. Connor rolled his eyes, “Yeah, it’s  _ so  _ funny! Can’t you see me laughing?!” He yelled. Jared sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets and marching a away. Evan heard him mutter “Freak.” as he left. He is forever thankful that Connor did not hear Jared.

Evan could feel Connor glaring at him, and was about to say something, when Jared shouted, “Hey kid! Watch where you’re going!” Evan turned to Jared, and frowned slightly. Jared had bumped into an underclassman, one of whom Evan instantly recognised.

“Jeremy? Y-you go to school here t-too?” Evan asked, and saw Jeremy bite his lip. Before he could respond Jared seemed to scoff, “What, you have friends outside of me?” He posed dramatically, “I’m so hurt!” Jeremy rolled his eyes,

“You weren’t e-exactly quiet earlier.” Jeremy smirked, “Isn’t he just a family friend? ‘Sides we only know each other from family t-”

“Tall ass!” Jeremy was cut off by a shorter boy pushing him into a locker, “Don’t touch me!” The assailant yelled, pinning Jeremy to a locker. Evan and Jared could only watch as Richard Goranski scrawled the word ‘Boyf’ on Jeremy’s backpack. “Wash that off..?” Rich said before kicking the locker next to Jeremy, “You’re dead!” And as quick as the short boy had arrived, he was gone. Jeremy sighed, rubbing his temple and returning to the two boys.

“Sorry guys Rich does stuff like that… Often.” Jeremy shook his head, and Evan patted his shoulder, frowning. Jared was pretty much laughing his ass off, before running after Rich, leaving Jeremy and Evan in the dust, “So… I’ll see you a-around Evan!” Jeremy waved to him and ran off, catching up with another boy. Evan smiled, happy that Jeremy was at least happy. Evan didn’t notice that Jeremy’s backpack with that other kid’s spelled ‘boyfriends’.

* * *

 

Jeremy groaned, shoving his face into his hands, “Why would Rich do that? God… I hate this school.” Jeremy leaned onto the lunch table feeling the cool plastic wood on his chin. Michael ruffled Jeremy’s hair, making it stick up at different angles, causing the two of them to snort.

“Well, it’s whatever man. It’s not a real friendship if you’re not mistaken for a gay couple.” Michael said, smiling down at Jeremy. Slowly sitting back up, and leaning back, Jeremy laughed, 

“I suppose you’re right…” Jeremy fixed his hair, having a part of his bangs still stick up. He noticed Christine, his crush of a year walk past. He sighed wistfully, Michael just groaned, rolling his eyes. She approached a poster on the wall, advertising the school play. Most of the names written on it were fake names, but Christine seemed to write her actual name, “Michael… I should sign up for the school play.” He whispered, elbowing Michael, and before he could respond, Jeremy got up and out of his seat and wrote his name on the post. Satisfied, he smiled at the posted before cringing at the jeers that followed after,

“Hah! Gay!!” Rich and Jake called after him. Jared (Was that his name?) seemed to be sitting with them as well, laughing with the whole group of juniors. Jeremy sighed, hunching his shoulders and shuffling away back to Michael. 

“You can just not go.” Michael said, sipping from a juice box, “‘Course, I’ll make fun of you forever if you don’t.” Jeremy frowned, looking down on Michael, who was just laughing at him hysterically. His laughter as interrupted by the sound of a tray hitting the table. Jeremy looked up to see Evan sitting quietly, almost on the verge of tears. Michael was just staring dumbly at him, “Uh… Who are… You?” He asked, coughing slightly.

“I-I’m Evan… Jeremy’s f-friend.” Michael nodded, “W-well… I’m more like his friend from- His dad’s girlfriend’s son- Do you want me to go because I can just lea-”

“Evan, relax.” Jeremy smiled at him, leaning forward and across Michael to Evan. He noticed a big ‘CONNOR’ scrawled on his cast, “What happened?” Jeremy asked, trying to be as non confrontational as possible. Michael slowly pushed Jeremy back down to his seat so he could see and not have blue cardigan in his sushi and slush. 

“W-well… Connor Murphy s-stole my letter to myself f-for therapy. A-and he wants to s-show it to his sister- I’ve been c-crushing on her and- And I wrote about her and he wants to embarrass m-m-me and and and-” Evan began to cry, and rubbing his eyes with his free arm. Jeremy and Michael quickly moved to both of his sides, patting his back,

“Hey, it’ll be okay… We’ll get it back tomorrow!” Jeremy said, clenching his fist with determination, “How bad could this Connor guy be anyways.” He smirked, looking to Michael who looked… Less than confidant. Whatever, they have a plan. And they’ll begin it after school.

After play rehearsal.


	2. If We Arrive There Safely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Play rehearsal and obtaining the letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School starts tomorrow! Pray for me orz

Jeremy sat silently in the auditorium, sitting a row behind Christine and looking anywhere but at the back of her head. Her perfectly shampooed, styled, combed and-

“Are you nervous?” Christine asked, turning around to look Jeremy in the eyes. He turned bright pink, scratching the back of his head, eyes averting hers, to avoid any crisis and a breakdown.

“No… I always…” Jeremy’s mouth turned into a thin line before sighing, “...Sweat this much..?” Christine seemed to find it funny, judging from her giggles. The way her shoulders bounced, and how bright her smile was, Jeremy could not help but be enraptured by her.

“I totally get it!” She managed through laughter, “You’re a virgin!” Jeremy’s face began to burn as he hid his face in his hands, “Your first play rehearsal. I’m kind of jealous actually.” She leaned back in her seat, looking at Jeremy upside down, “You see, I love play rehearsal. It should be starting soon, I think?” Jeremy nodded, before looking around at all the empty seats around them. For some reason, Christine had chosen a seat in the middle of the vast room, and the two of them were just surrounded by a sea of empty seats.

That is when the popular kids burst in. Jake Dillinger, Rich Goranski, Chloe Valentine, Brooke Lohst, and Jenna Rolan. Jake and Rich just so happened to sit on either side of Jeremy, crushing him between the two of them. Chloe and Brooke sat a few rows back, talking quietly amongst themselves, and Jenna sat next to Christine. 

Jake smiled down at Jeremy, Rich doing the same. The both of them seemed to be emanating this powerful aura that Jeremy could only describe as terrifying. The palms of his hands seemed to grow sweatier as their stares seemed to bore into his soul (Oh God, was he blushing? Did this make their jeers about him being gay accurate? Wait, of course not. He liked Christine, who is very much a girl). “Aw, Jeremy,” Jake cooed, “Thanks for showin’ us that signing up for the school play was a cool thing. I had no idea this auditorium was even here!” He laughed, without a hint of malice. Jeremy released a breath he did not even know he was holding, and blinked.

Maybe play rehearsal would not be so bad after all?

* * *

 

Turns out Jeremy was right the first time and should stop going to school forever and just die in this bathroom stall from starvation and stress.

Jeremy curled up on the toilet seat, tears threatening to pour out of his eyes. Jake and Rich were giving him the hardest time over his crush on Christine. Jake always saying things like, “If you really like her, I could help you, y’know?” and “Christine is kinda cute, and pretty oblivious. What? If she hasn’t noticed your obvious crush on her yet then she won't anytime soon.” (Jeremy refused to consider the thought that Jake was actually trying to be a nice person, all the teasing from Rich and Jake’s support of it made those statements only seem hurtful)

Jeremy stopped crying once he heard the door creak open, and Jeremy panicked. He left his backpack just outside the stall, drying off from him attempting to scrub the ‘boyf’ off of his backpack, “I told you not to wash that off.” Rich said cooly, making Jeremy quiet down, “I’m talking to  _ you  _ tall ass!” Rich banged on the door of the stall Jeremy was in. Jeremy, feeling brave took a deep breath and stood up,

“Why do you even call me that? I’m not even that tall.” 

“You would be if you weren’t so hunched over and scared all the time,” Rich said, his voice high pitched and in a mocking tone, “The only thing more pathetic, is how you’re hiding in a stall to get away from me. Stalls are for girls Jeremy, are  _ you  _ a girl Jeremy?” Rich went quiet after that, leaving Jeremy to just stand in the stall. Slowly, Jeremy cracked open the door, and watched as Rich’s fingers flew to the door and threw it wide open, “Much better.” Rich said, smile growing on his face as he looked up at Jeremy.

Jeremy bit his lip, eyes darting side to side, Rich seemed to just be staring at Jeremy. His gaze was as strong as the shorter boy was, seemingly boring into his soul and reading everything he has ever done. Then something changed in Rich. It was not subtle, the way Rich jolted, as if being shocked. The gasp that came from his mouth, the way he hunched over. Rich’s entire attitude, persona almost, seemed to make a total 180, causing Jeremy to do a double take. “You don’t remember me freshman year do you?” Rich said quietly, almost cringing when something that resembled a lisp escaped his lips.

“You didn’t go here freshman ye-”

“Y-Y-Yes I did!! See? You just didn’t notice!!” Rich pointed an accusatory finger in Jeremy’s direction, “...Nobody did. And then, I got something.” Rich looked to both of his sides, as if watching for someone eavesdropping (No one really could, it was a high school boys bathroom behind the auditorium)

“I got a squip.”

* * *

 

Michael grumbled, drumming his fingers on his PT Cruiser’s steering wheel, then leaning on the horn. 

“M-maybe you shouldn’t do that.” Evan muttered, “It could bother the other people there o-or-”

“Evan,” Michael turned to the shotgun seat, where Evan sat. Michael gestured to the digital clock in his dashboard, then to the empty brick building imposing in front of them, “We’ve been waiting for 30 minutes for Jeremy to get out of play rehearsal. Thirty minutes,  _ after  _ he was supposed to get out and meet us.” Michael slapped his hand to his cheek and dragged it down, “And there’s no way Jeremy has enough of a social life that he got asked to hang out afterwards and ditched us. The dude only has his dad and me in his contacts.”

“T-To be fair, he does have me in his contacts.” Evan added, and Michael looked at him with the most done expression he could muster from his ever increasing mix of concern and annoyance with his best freaking friend. How come the pasty ass twink could not, for the life of him, pass his driver's test? Jeremy was not the brightest bulb in the bunch, but the kid knew how to keep a good report card. And yet! And. Freaking. Yet. He could not get his license. Jeremy always said he was too nervous, or just did not want to do it, but Michael guessed it was genetic. Michael had never seen Mr. Heere drive a car in his life, much less sit in one. Maybe he passed the bad driving gene to his unfortunate son, instead of Jeremy’s mother letting him be a good driver and-

Michael stopped that train of thought before it started.

“I’m going to go and check on him. Wait here Evan.” Michael unbuckled himself and was about to leave the car when, lo and behold, Jeremy freaking Heere exited the building. And right next to him was  _ Richard Goranski _ . Michael tightened his grip on the steering wheel, his knuckles turning almost white. Evan must have noticed this and yelped, but Michael could not care less, feeling his blank face turn into a scowl.

“Oh! Sorry I kept your boyfriend waiting! Don’t wait up, Jere!” Richard called, slapping Jeremy’s back and ran off, Michael’s eyes trained on Rich until he was out of sight. Jeremy’s face turned a light shade of pink as he approached the car, wringing his hands. Michael quickly turned his face into a smile, his joking demeanor returning. Evan seemed to visibly relax once Michael returned to normal.

“Sorry that took so long.” Jeremy said, tossing his backpack in the back of the car and lounging in the back seat of the old car, Michael quickly backed out and slowly turned up the volume of the Bob Marley song playing. Jeremy started muttering the words under his breath, and Michael started bobbing his head to the beat. Evan just gave the directions to the Murphy’s house. Michael did not ask how he knew the address of some random kid, figured it was some crush thing like what Jeremy does with Christine.

Once they arrived at the big building, Michael and Jeremy could not help but stare up in awe at how big the house was. “His family must be  _ loaded _ .” Michael breathed. He made a mental note of the location (Not for criminal activity, he swears) and both Jeremy and him exited the car, leaving Evan inside. This was part of their plan they had made that lunch period. 

Jeremy knocked on the door, Michael standing behind him for emotional support. There was quite a bit of yelling, Michael could make only some of it out-

“Someone get the door!”

“Connor, you get it, I got it last time.”

“Fuck you Zoe! I can’t I’m bus- HEY!”

There was a crash and large thumping right when a boy (shockingly) taller than Jeremy flew the door open. He absolutely reeked of weed (Michael knew the problem all too well) and if looks could kill, everyone in a five mile radius would be dead on the spot with the look he was giving Jeremy, who seemed to be stuck in his head the whole time. “What do you want.” He snapped, frowning at the two of them. There was silence for a second and Michael coughed, causing Jeremy to return to earth,

“Right-! H-hello, y-y-you must be Connor Murphy…” Jeremy looked completely nervous, and as much as Michael hated to admit it, he looked almost adorable. Michael frowned at that thought, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head.

“And?” Connor folded his arms, tapping his foot.

“Well, you took Evan’s letter to himself and E-Evan really n-needs it back and-”

“Why do you care?”

“W-well I jus-”

“Actually, never mind. Look you two,” Connor groaned, “Just leave me alone. I didn’t show it to Zoe. I’ll give it back later, mmkay?” and before they could respond, Connor slammed the door on them. The two slumped, and trudged back to the car.

“Well wasn’t he a total ray of sunshine.” Michael grumbled, driving back towards Jeremy’s place. Evan looked between the two of them and meekly said,

“Did you get it back?” Michael shook his head, and Evan pouted, “Right… Okay.” He looked like he was about to cry, but no tears fell until they arrived at Jeremy’s house, a U-Haul truck in their driveway, and Evan bawled. 

Jeremy led Evan inside, guiding him carefully while he cried, seeming to console him, and Michael just watched as they went inside. Right, Mr. Heere and Mrs. Hansen are dating. They are probably moving in together. Makes sense, Michael rationalized. With that, he drove away, his day pretty much wasted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, angry/jealous Michael.   
> Also!! Thank you so much for your support! I love you guys!! I hope you enjoy what I have planned for this!


	3. For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dude, are you hyperventilating?”  
> “N-no!”  
> “I’m pretty sure breathing like you’ve run a marathon after just talking to me is hyperventilating."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for it being a bit late! School is here and my butt is being kicked

“Jeremy I-I’m just not sure what to do! He hasn’t been at school for three days in a row! You’d think that he might have been here maybe after two days but three days is just a long time that’s m-most of the school week! Maybe he ran away or he doesn’t want to ever see me again so he transferred schools so he can get away from some creepy kid like me who somehow knew his address and had a crush on his younger sister and I just don’t know how I can keep go-”

“Take a breath.” Jeremy said quietly. Evan knew that Jeremy did not know quite how to help. If anything the only person Evan trusted with venting was Jared but it had been three days if Connor does not come to school the next day. Naturally, Evan came to the worst possible options because why would he not? It was perfectly unreasonable and that is why he did it, “Look,” Jeremy interrupted his train of already jumbled thoughts, “I’m not sure how to help, and since you’re like… Freaking out. Talk to someone who knows you more than your new younger brother who is now your bottom bunk.” Evan nodded slowly, looking at the hastily put together bed Jeremy was sitting on that was now theirs. The house was small enough that they needed to share a room, but not super small. It was… Livable.

“I’ll call Jared.” Jeremy smiled and nodded, then saying something about seeing Michael before leaving Evan with his phone as he called Jared.

“Oh yeah he’s going to ruin your life with it.” The way that Jared so easily said that after Evan described the situation only made Evan start to breath heavier, “Dude, are you hyperventilating?”

“N-no!”

“I’m pretty sure breathing like you’ve run a marathon after just talking to me is hyperventilating. Take a deep breath through your nose with me.” Jared inhaled loudly on the other end, and Evan reluctantly followed along. After about a minute of them breathing together, Evan started to calm down. Not feel better, but calm down, “Listen, I’ll be here for you if shit goes haywire, alright? Just try to keep the situation under control as best as you can on your own. I’ll talk to you later, alright?” Jared asked. Evan always appreciated how nicely Jared spoke to him after Evan panicked, almost tricked Evan into thinking Jared cared about him.

* * *

 

_ Evan did not expect to be called down to the office that day, and did not expect to meet the Murphys there. He started to panic, his thoughts running in his head. Maybe they found out he knew their address and they were going to file a restraining order or or or- _

_ “Connor wanted you to have this.” The mother said, her voice cracking. She could not seem to look Evan in the eyes. She fumbled with a paper in her hands, a paper that looked oddly famili- Wait. What? _

_ “Cynthia give it to him.” The man insisted, looking at her with a strong sort of impatience, as if urging her like cattle, _

_ “I’m going as fast as I can, Larry!” She almost seemed to be crying. It was awful to see someone be like that. She handed the paper to Evan, hand trembling. Sure enough, the paper was the letter he had been fretting over for so long, “These are Connor’s words t-to you. He wanted this for you.” _

_ “His final words.” Larry added, and Evan’s heart stopped. _

_ “F-final what do you mean final?” Evan sputtered, clutching the paper like it was a lifeline. He wanted so desperately to not be conscious, like… Like this is all a dream and he will wake up in a few minutes. But he never did. _

_ “Connor took his own life a few days ago. And we… We found this on his body. He clearly wrote this for you. Evan Hansen, that’s you is it not?” Larry insisted. Evan wanted to combust, _

_ “Connor? C-connor, he didn’t write this- I-I didn’t even know him…” Evan hated this, he hated this so much. _

_ “Connor didn’t… What does he mean Larry I-” _

_ “He’s obviously in denial. I mean, how else should he react?” _

_ “Oh look…” She raised a shaky hand to point at his cast, “Look at that. His only friend…” Evan forgot. Oh God. Oh God what has he done, “Won't you join us for dinner tonight, I’d love to hear about you and Connor.” _

And Evan could not say no, and that is how he is here, listening to Jared breathe at him yet again, laying on his shared bedroom floor, not noticing that he has not seen Jeremy yet today, “So Jared, what can I do?” Evan asked, staring up at the stars that Jeremy had stuck up on his ceiling. Evan thought they were cute.

“What do you do? You have to go to the Murphy’s and nod and confirm.” Jared seemed so confident in his answers. If only Jared was in his situation instead of him, it would probably work out better, “You not and confirm, don’t make anything up, and don’t freak out. You got this, Evan.” 

Evan smiled, “I do?” he could hear Jared snicker on the other side of the phone line,

“Not a chance in Hell.”

* * *

 

Evan sat at the table, at probably the most uncomfortable dinners he has ever had. The tension between the three family members was so thick Evan could slice it with a cleaver. They all stared at Evan expectantly, not touching the food on their plates. And he just stared back, eyes lingering on Zoe. She is just as pretty up close as she was on the other side of the hall, other side of the lunch room.

“So Evan,” Cynthia started, “Connor didn’t really talk about you.” Right on with the hard questions. Evan coughed gently, disguising it as him clearing his throat,

“Y-yeah, he didn’t really want us hanging out at school, b-but we sent emails!”

“We checked his emails,” Zoe started, and Evan felt his heart flutter, and weather it was because she was acknowledging him or her getting him in trouble he would never know, “We didn’t see any from you.”

“Th-th that’s because! He made a private email account. He uh, thought they were more special that way.” He grinned nervously, hoping that the lie could be believable. When he saw their faced unconvinced, he thought of something, “I-I can show you some tomorrow, o-or whenever is better we talk next o-or...”

“We’d love that.” Cynthia says, her voice sweet and soft, almost like his mom, like how she used to be before being constantly stressed, and Evan smiled genuinely at her. The moment was interrupted by Zoe’s scoff. She clearly was unconvinced, and Cynthia decided to change the subject, “We got the dinner from the neighbors, did Connor talk about them? We used to go skiing.”

Evan nodded and added, “Yeah, Connor loved skiing.”

“Connor hated skiing.” Zoe said flatly, and Evan nodded again,

“Y-yeah he loved to, talk about how much he hated skiing. How could I forget?”

That seemed to set Zoe off, “Look, I don’t get why you’re trying so hard to be nice to us. Be honest, he was awful to you. The only time I’ve seen you guys interact is when he pushed you the other day!” She yelled, causing Cynthia to gasp,

“He pushed you?”

“He didn’t push me, I f-fell…”

“He pushed you. I was there! I saw the whole thing!” Zoe cried, and Larry coughed, and Zoe, not noticing she got up, sat back down.

“O-oh, I remember now! He pushed me b-because… Because i tried to talk to him at school and he pushed me because he was… Embarrassed I think? He didn’t want to be seen around me b-because…”

“Because you’re a nerd?” Zoe said, and Cynthia gasped “Zoe!” Escaping her mouth, Evan just laughed,

“I w-was gonna say loser, but nerd works too.” Evan nodded. That seemed to be the easiest thing to say all night. That only made Zoe angry again. She started going off again, saying similar things to what she was saying before. This time however, it escalated.

“Zoe! I’m sure we’re all grieving in our own way right now-” Cynthia tried to put her point out but Zoe cut her off,

“And you too!” Zoe yelled, “You’re just lying to us, to yourself about Connor. He was awful and you know it! Why should we care, all he ever caused for us was trouble. I’m sure you can’t think of any good thing about Connor!”

“Zoe!” Both parents said at once, getting out of their seats. Evan could not stand sitting there and letting them fight so he squeaked,

“I remember a lot of good things about Connor!”

* * *

 

_ “Hey, are you getting in the car or not?” Connor asked, and Evan nodded, sliding into the shotgun seat of Connor’s beaten down car. The two listened to whatever Green Day or Nickleback song was playing from Connor’s Ipod. Evan was not sure why he agreed to go to some Orchard that was barely remarkable. Evan only knew about it because he passed it nearly everyday on his way to the park. _

_ Once they arrived at the park, after getting ice cream that Connor seemed to have in his muscle memory all too well, he groaned, “Of course it’s closed. Why the fuck would it be open! No one gives a shit about apples nowadays anyways.” Evan laughed, and Connor looked back at him, the familiar twinkle in his eye he got when he found something that Evan found funny, “Like, the apple economy recently has been on the decline. The corporate government is gonna flip once they realize motherfucking apples aren’t selling anymore. Oh wait! They’re already so obsolete that no one cares anyways!” _

_ After a minute of laughter and the discussion of the stocks of the apple market (They settled on one day getting an orchard to increase the amount of sales. They could singlehandedly revive the apple market.) Connor decided it would be a bright idea to jump the fence and roam the orchard, dragging Evan along. _

_ The two of them begun small talk, the kind of talk that Evan could hold on his own for a while. It was getting easier to talk to people, and he was just practicing off of Connor. Connor would make extended jokes out of them. It was fun, what they had. Evan would not trade it for the world. _

_ “You know?” Connor began, wind gracing his long hair, “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” _

_ “Me too!” Evan says breathlessly. And Connor laughs, something catching his eye. And he ran, leaving Evan in the dust. Running down the empty field, and yelling for Evan to follow. He ran through the field of gold, and yellow, like a scene out of a movie. Evan’s heart was racing, and once he made it to Connor’s side, he says, _

_ “Maybe if we go high enough, our problems will become small.” Connor said, smiling bright at Evan.  _ (Evan could feel his throat start to close at this, a chill shaking his body. He wants to turn back. Come clean right then, that this was all a lie and Evan could go back to being a loser with almost no friends. But the way Cynthia and Zoe seemed to believe the words he would say. How hopeful everyone in the room was. He had to do this. For the Murphys.)

_ The duo started to climb the tree, Connor egging Evan on, telling him to climb higher. Soon Evan could feel the bright summer sun on his face. It felt so rewarding. The joy that swelled in him seemed incomprehensible. Looking to Connor, he was glad he was here with his friend that day.  _

_ And then the branch gave way. _

_ And then Connor went to get him. _

* * *

 

“They think you were gay lovers, you realize that right?” Jared managed between tearful laughter, “Connor just so happened to have a secret email account for you two to send dick pics to each other. It’s a gay forbidden teen romance novel waiting to happen!” Jared burst again, and Evan had to sit on his end of the phone, waiting for him to calm down,

“Well… Will you at least help with the emails?”

“I will for 100.”

“Dollars?!”

“50.”

“I have a twenty.”

“Fine, but you’re a dick.”  _ click! _ Jared hung up on him, and Evan sighed, laying on his back. He could pass out now, but knowing Jared, he is probably on his way as he thought, so Evan needed to warn the adult that was in the house. Oh wait! Mr. Heere is probably piss drunk and Evan’s mom is off at work. Right! Of course. Evan groaned. He had hoped that Mr. Heere would be a turn around for his mom, but that did not seem to be the case.

Five minutes later, the doorbell rang, and none other than Jared Kleinman was at the door, posing, “Miss me?” he said, Evan shrugged,

“Let’s j-just get to work, okay?” Evan said softly, Jared made some comment about Evan being all work and no play, and Evan just paid him no mind for once. Once the two of them were settled in the basement, Jared took out his laptop, setting everything up. Evan guessed letting Jared do this unsupervised was definitely a bad decision, but Evan was full of them. Once Evan looked over his shoulder, Evan squeaked,

“Why would you write that?!”

“I’m just trying to tell the truth.”

“Th-these emails n-need to be perfect!! They need to pr-prove that we were actually friends. Just let me do it.” Evan pushed Jared out of the way.

“There is nothing unrealistic about the love one man feels for another.” Evan took a deep breath and started working, super focused. A few seconds in, with Jared backseat writing, Evan was about to give up, when he looked up, and stopped. Jared stopped talking and looked up too, Evan guess. Since the next second was Jared yelling.

“What the fuck!” Jared screamed,

“I don’t know!” Evan responded,

“Could you leave me alone. You guys pretending to be me is embarrassing but entertaining.” None other than Connor motherfucking Murphy stood in front of Evan, head cocked, a grin on his face, “Don’t worry, assholes, I’m dead as a door nail. And guessing from everyone else’s reactions today, you’re the only people who can see me.” He gave jazz hands, “Big shocker right? I mean, what are the fucking odds that you two are the ones who can see me. Do you want a medal? Gold star? Well too bad, all you get is a dead kid who will haunt you for the rest of your lives. Be-fucking-ware.” Evan was sheet white, he looked… Well he looked like a ghost. Jared almost looked worse for ware. Evan could not for the life of him understand why.

“Evan,” Jared said softly, “I think we may be fucked.”

“No kidding, dipshit.” Connor said, before going over to their laptop, “Now, let’s make these believable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder to hmu on tumblr at loloshroom!


End file.
